I was 19 when I first settled on the word “agnostic.” At about 22, I shook off the last remaining fragments of doubt and embraced disbelief. As a follower of logic and scientific method, it was the unavoidable next step.
Atheism was a deeply considered and emotionally belabored conclusion. It was fiercely personal, which is why I generally kept my opinion to myself, sharing only when necessary or prudent. It was seldom necessary or prudent, since it quickly produced an abundance of ardent soul-savers.
Initially, when the subject became unavoidable, I would practically apologize as I explained that I was an atheist. That weakness is what most likely brought in the make-shift missionaries. They would tell me that I was not actually an atheist; that god was still in my heart. I would rarely push back, despite my disagreement.
One well-meaning boyfriend told me that I wasn’t an atheist since I still said “oh god” during sex. I responded by saying that I had doubts that anyone is ever actually praying mid-coitus, and that I would happily exchange with another equally meaningless noun if it suited him. The conversation ended there.
Perhaps I have become more callous over the years. I stopped apologizing and became more assertive when my non-belief was challenged, and that was the beginning of the end of several relationships. In one brief phone conversation, confirming I was an atheist cut me out of my grandfather’s life with a precision blade. He died without ever speaking to me again. Another call left me cut off from my mother for nearly a year. Some emotional scars never quite heal.
Despite the real-life impacts of my convictions, they remain unchanged. What has changed is my perspective on religion, its practices, institutions, and restrictions. I’ve seen people preach love, acceptance, and forgiveness, only to break someone’s spirit with bone-chilling, casual calm. I’ve seen a worldwide organization preach family values, while hushing up undeniably pervasive child abuse. Where is the justice? People who, in any other situation, would be enraged and demand change are content with sending thoughts and prayers.
I am just one person observing the world through the only lens I have. I am not the most intelligent or most insightful person in the room. Still, from my perspective, the world would be a better place if we stuck to tangible facts and realities. If we could all look at ourselves objectively and critically, we could find that we can do better. The inherent divisiveness of religion is a deadly impediment to the necessary improvement of humanity.
Things That Start With J 