Why does the urge to write always hit me at the peak of tiredness? That’s a rhetorical question. In fact, I might delete it because it’s kind of a pointless introduction… nope. I’m going with it.
Today’s late night thought process revolved around memories. A random conversation with my mom brought back a memory of when my sister and I were kids, and I said something really hurtful about (farmer’s daughter moment folks, bear with me) her and horse, who had kicked our bottle-fed ewe lamb, to which I was very attached, in the head. We lost the lamb. I’m not even sure what I said to my sister about the incident, but I know that it was mean, and I still carry that regret. I was angry and hurt. Sometimes we say things in passionate moments that we can’t take back. Those words can never be taken back. Who knows… maybe she doesn’t even remember that day, but I do, and I want to apologize again.
With that realization came another: I harbor a lot of regret for things that I have said and done, as well as what I haven’t said or done. So to pull out a Mean Girls reference, I’m going to publically apologize, and I hope that my trust circle fall won’t be as tragic as that of Gretchen Wieners.
To protect the names of the innocent, I’ll omit them. If you don’t understand any of the things I’m referring to, then feel free to move along to another post. This blog is about the nameless people I’m talking to. After all, this is much cheaper than therapy.
– I’m sorry for slapping you in the face for saying that people from Notus were stupid. In doing so I proved your point. Being young, stupid and socially awkward is definitely not a good excuse.
– I’m sorry I never stood up for you when my friends made fat jokes about you. Present me would beat my 5th –grade-self senseless for being so spineless and cowardly.
– I’m sorry I never did anything when you told me that you were being abused at home. I didn’t know what to do, and now I’ll never have the chance to tell you what your friendship meant to me.
– I’m sorry that I didn’t try harder to be the successful singer/model/actress that you spend so much time and effort helping me to be. I can’t help but feel that if I had tried that much harder and prepared that much more, I could have paid your investment back to you ten-fold. Instead I was intimidated and scared at a time I couldn’t afford to.
– I’m sorry I wasn’t more honest with how I felt about our relationship from the beginning. Life would have been easier for both of us if I had been truthful.
– I’m sorry that I held on so long to something you didn’t want. Letting go was too hard to deal with but it was unfair to place that burden on you.
– I’m sorry that I gave you little to no notice when I quit my job, leaving you a person short on a busy holiday. I should have had the integrity to officially give two weeks notice, but my emotions got the better of me.
– I’m sorry that ditched you to spend time with a guy and caused you so much stress and worry as you tried to find me, fearing the worst. Turns out, he was far from worth it, and I hope I am never stupid enough to take advantage of our friendship like that again.
– I’m sorry that I was a flaky friend who wasn’t there when you needed me most. You’ve always been there for me, and the least I could have done was return the favor.
– I’m sorry that I led you to believe that we could ever be anything more than just friends.
– I’m sorry I don’t return your calls or texts. Sometimes, I don’t now how to handle telling you that I can’t spend time with you and it’s silly not to simply tell you those things.
– I’m sorry that a misunderstanding and the resulting fight between our parents damaged the relationship that we grew up with. I’m also sorry that I don’t know if any of those things can be repaired.
– I’m sorry that I don’t visit more. It’s so hard to see you when you’re sick and in pain. I want to remember the young and happy version of you, even though I know it would mean so much to you if I took the time to come by just to say hello.
– I’m sorry I ever insulted your intelligence. It was unprofessional and childish. I need to learn to separate my emotions from my professional life.
– I’m sorry I broke your TV… like, SUPER sorry.
Finally, I’m sorry to anyone and everyone I’ve ever hurt. I’ve never intended to cause anyone pain or unhappiness. Believe me when I say that I’ve carried these regrets with me for a long time, and I hope that my honesty might spark forgiveness.